Progress, Sort Of

Calder can roll over back to front now but I am pretty sure he doesn't know that yet. I put him to bed last night on his back like usual but then he had one of his random sleep freakouts (I swear the kid must have night terrors or something) about two hours later. After letting him cry out out and out himself back to sleep, I went in to check on him and make sure he was ok. I would feel really, really bad if I went in in the morning and found out he had barfed all over himself or gotten his head stuck in between the slats and the mattress. About ten minutes after he quiets down I go in and find him sleeping flat on his face, with one arm still tucked under his chubby little tum. It didn't look comfortable but he was finally asleep again and I was not going to poke that bear; I have learned my lesson. It's best to let sleeping babies lie. In reality it turned out to be a no win situation because when he woke up again around 3, he spazzed again even worse than before. He probably scared himself when he woke up looking at the dino sheet and not the Wallys. That and/or his arm was asleep. Oh no, pins and needles, pins and needles! The fact that he was swimming in his own pee certainly didn't help either. Long story short, an hour and a half later he is dry, fed and can feel his arm again so he drifts off. And I, I go back to bed and punch Bruce in the throat for sleeping through the whole damn thing.

In other developmental news, Calder is getting better at sitting upright. This is a good thing because we never got around to getting one of those Bumbo bajingers and we are getting sick of holding him all the time. Not really but I am lazy and getting up and down from the floor to support him while he plays with his toys is tiring. He obviously can't pull himself into a sitting position yet but if you get him set up, sort of like a tripod (the tripod has three legs) he can balance there for several seconds at a time. He's even started self correcting a bit. When he wobbles too much to one side, he can shift his weight enough to counteract it and stay sitting up. Not all the time though. Sadly, sometimes, well once, he wobbled to one side, self corrected, then over corrected and ended up toppling over and whacking his head on the wood floor. If he had just let himself fall in the first direction he would have landed safely on the quilt with foam floor blocks under it. Babies are so stupid sometimes.

Friday Film Fest

Now that we have the doctor's permission to start Calder on rice cereal, we decided to give it a try on Thursday evening and it was, um, successful? I am not sure really; he may have gotten some down.

So let's strap ourselves into the egg shaped spaceship and see what happens when Calder tries to eat big boy food.

Doctor, Doctor Gave Me the News

Today was Calder's four month check up and other than another boogery nose, nasty cough and small fever (I blame daycare. Or Bruce, they're both germ farms), he is a healthy little guy. Calder is now up to 25 inches and 16 pounds even. That's somewhere between 50th and 75th percentile for both so although he is still pretty average, he starting to make headway. I am not sure if Calder was anticipating another round of shots and tried out some defensive offense but he certainly peed all over Dr. Merens right before she called the shot nurse in. Calder should have been nicer to Dr. Merens considering she gave us some great news, we can start Calder on real food! Well baby cereal anyway, rice or oatmeal. This is none to soon for a couple of reasons. As I have mentioned before Calder has been coveting our food and drink for a while now. More importantly though is the fact that I am afraid breastfeeding is not much longer for this world. I know that the American Academy of Pediatrics says that babies should be exclusively breastfed for the first six months and those La Leche feminazi boner killers all all "breast is best down with formula. In theory I agree, however, what works in theory does not always work in practice. Due to Calder's insatiable appetite we have been heavily supplementing with formula for a while now but supply isn't really the problem. The problem is with Calder. He bites. Hard. Every time. I tried following some advice from one of those earth mother-type breastfeeding sites to try to get him to stop with the gnawing on my sensitive bits. The first time he bites, I am supposed to show the pain in my face and tell him that it hurts and then move him to the other boob. The second time he bites, I am supposed to do the frowny face again and then either stop feeding him or go get him a bottle. This is allegedly supposed to teach him to stop biting because it has consequences and also teach him empathy for others. This is all complete hippy bullcrap. When I do my owie face (trust me, it's a very good owie face because it honestly really effing hurts) Calder doesn't stop biting me and think about what he's done wrong. No, my child stops biting me and laughs like a maniac. I am raising a sociopath. So while breast may be best, not having to go to the emergency room for nipple reattachment surgery is the ultimate. I'll keep trying to feed him for as long as I can take it and I'll continue to pump as long as I can make it. Actually, I am pumping right now. I am writing a post, pumping and watching Top Model all at the same time. Becoming a mother has made me some kind of all-star multi-tasker.

Hey Look, My Baby Does Smile

Friday Film Fest

This week's video, Three Stages of Tummy Time, is currently pending a successful upload to YouTube. However, it is also the little tickler's four month birthday. And how he has changed since then. He is getting so active now. He recently discovered his feet and now spends a good amount of time grabbing at his toes and rolling around like a potato bug. He goes in next Wednesday for his next checkup but on Tuesday something even more important happens. His first baseball game. Shockingly, this is not my doing at all. Hell, I am not even invited. Bruce bought a ticket for a Cubs day game and is letting Calder skip "school" to go with him. He thinks it's great idea. I think it's an ok idea until Bruce realizes that the Wrigley Field men's bathrooms don't have changing tables, they have troughs. Disgusting, nasty communal troughs. Or so I have heard anyways.

Roly Poly Baby

Calder rolled over for the first time today! When Bruce went to pick him up from daycare The Other One told him that Calder figured out how to do it all by himself. Yay for my smart baby! Of course when I got home and Bruce told me about it, he had no idea whether it was front to back or back to front. He didn't feel the need to ask. Because he is a moron. Clearly, I had to know for sure so I could brag all over the place which resulted in about 40 minutes of trial and error trying to figure out which it was. In all, Calder managed to roll over, front to back, two whole times for his crazypants mother tonight. I think he started to resent me after a while. Eventually he just got plumb worn out and ended up laying on the floor like a melted slug.

In other news, Calder has gone viral. After having issues posting a video direct to Blogger, I decided to go the embedding YouTube route and created an account. You can find all three of the videos I have uploaded so far by searching for Calder Turpin. Don't be fooled by other, inferior, Calders. Only the videos uploaded by me, meantuna, are the authentic half-Canuck Calderpants McBabyhead. In addition, I splurged on some real video editing software so after I play with it for a bit, expect the production values to get a tad better.

There's a Spaceship in my Living Room

So I am sure everyone is familiar with the concept (ridiculous though it may be) of luxury baby gear. Rich people buy absurdly expensive junk for their kids despite the fact that it will be grown out of, spilled on or otherwise bespoiled by the vary nature of putting it in close contact with a baby. Babies are nasty, yo. The most obvious examples of this phenomenon are of course the mega-deluxe SUV type stroller models from Maclaren and Bugaboo. Apparently, in some neighborhoods in New York, here too I bet, people will openly sneer at your crappy Graco. Although it's not talked about quite as much, high chairs also suffer from this type of prestige branded snobbery. The general public, or "The Poors" if you will can general expect to spend between $50 and $150 for strapping down their child at mealtimes. Whereas the crazy affluent, or affluent crazies, can drop anywhere between $200 and $500. Let's examine some of this stuff, shall we?

Not really a full high chair but that baby is damn cute, plus it was the cheapest option outside of those that attach directly to the tabletop and act as a slingshot once the kid becomes even remotely mobile. Hell even those are pushing fiddy. Fisher Price Space Saver $50

This is your typical plastic and/or metal foldable lightweight dealie. These are the whatevers of the highchair world. Generally they come in various inoffensive neutral-ish prints and like, have wheels or something. Almost every major baby brand has something like this. Graco Mealtime Chair $80

This is basically the same shit as above but for the privilege of having garish bright colors in your house and some cheap-ass toy stuck on it, you get to pay almost twenty bucks more. Lame. Fisher-Price Rain forest Chair $99

Ahh, the wooden high chair. It says, I will compromise my French Country decor for no man, woman or baby. Sure they look nicer than the plasticky crap. I'll give you that. But I am sorry, that's just a pile of darkly stained pine right there, don't be puttin' on no airs about this one. Eddie Bauer $140

Yes. This is a high chair. For babies. Human babies. The Swedes are effing nuts is pretty much what this says. Also, it has the distinction of being Martha-approved so that means it's totally worth it's money. What-Ever, balls to that. Stokke Tripp Trapp $229

Does this one seem familiar? Yeah, it looks exactly like the cheap Graco model except this one costs three times as much. Rich people are damn morons. Peg Perego Prima Pappa $229

I. Just. Have. No. Words. For. This. One. Maybe it's for Frank Gehry's children. Nah, not enough reflective surfaces. SVAN Highchair $250

And then there's this. The egg/rocket/pod ultra-modern contraption. Who the hell lives in a world where this matches their decor? The dudes from 2001: A Space Odyssey? This is the fucking ugliest thing I have even seen in my life.


So of course, I have one in my living room. Calder is just as confused as you are. Actually, it's kind of rad in it's spaceshipiness and I wish it were big enough so I could sit in it and pretend that I am going to the moon or Mars or something. Bloom Fresco $400. I swear we are still part of the Poors; it was a gift. From some very nice people who clearly like us way more than we deserve. Oh, and there's a more deluxe version that retails for $500. Rich people are goddamn retarded.

Take Me Out to the Hockey Game

Calder attended his first ever professional sporting event on Saturday. He tagged along as Cary, her fiancee Brian, Bruce and I took in a Chicago Wolves game. Calder had a pretty good time even though the arena may have been a bit much for him to take in, what with the pyrotechnics and horns and screaming drunk people with mullets and Canadian Tuxedos. There were a couple of kids in the row behind us that took it upon themselves to keep Calder entertained throughout the game. I have a feeling these kids were enjoying the distraction themselves because they seemed to be so totally over being there. Since their dad was on the ice, I suspect it was not their first hockey game of the season. The game was a great one for the big people to watch though. A grand total of 186 penalty minutes culminating in one hell of a goalie fight. Poor Wolves guy absolutely got his ass handed to him. Calder didn't seem to care too much about the fighting but he sure was interested in the mini-blimp that flew around the rink dropping stuff on the crowd.


The mini-blimp wasn't Calder's only source of joy. He also managed to entertain himself by trying to snatch whatever we were holding onto at the moment. He's turned into quite the Mr. Grabbyhands lately. Nothing like a sticky baby fist being shoved into your nachos. Mmmm, extra grime flavor. Actually, I think that the nachos thing is just another example of Calder's growing fascination with us as we are eating or drinking. Even if he has his own bottle, he is totally mesmerized by me and Bruce as we shovel stuff into our faces. If we are eating a salad, Calder will first go for the fork and when that's moved to a safer location, he will just stuff his hands straight into the bowl. Same goes for cereal. Or ice cream. Or nachos. Perhaps he is trying to tell us that he is ready to start eating solid-ish food. Maybe Dr. Merens will give us permission to start him on rice cereal after his 4 month check-up next week. However, even stronger than his desire to smear our food all over himself is Calder's interest in our beverages. If we are drinking from a cup, he wants to hold it. And if we do let him hold it, he wants to chew on the rim. Generally this is harmless; as long as we keep the glass stabilized, there is not much chance of anything terrible happening. However, at the game, I sort of forgot what other people would think when they saw me letting my baby do this:

What can I say, he takes after his parents. We'll probably be hearing from DCFS later this week. We'll just have to explain to the nice government people that it was a complete misunderstanding. It's not like we are regularly giving the baby beer or anything. Well not that anyone else knows about.


Aw, crap. I am so going to jail.

Friday Film Fest

How about a new feature? Every Friday, I will post a video. How does that sound? Actually, I don't care what you think because I am going to do it anyway. Well, as long as I remember to do it.

Scowls and Jowls

Due to his major chunk factor, I often call Calder my Little Orson Welles. He's just got those massive jowls and churlish demeanor. The Orson-effect is also heightened by Calder's tendency to scowl, especially when the camera is around. I think he is perplexed by the flashing contraption that mom keeps sticking in his face. I'd say he is smiling or neutral faced in only 3% of the pictures I take. In the other 97% he looks like he's thinking about pooping in my shoes or, more often, he looks like Orson Welles. Or both. Here are some examples, most captions provided by Cary.

where's my cheesesteak?


i can't finish Touch of Evil without my cheesesteak.

what do you mean? charlton heston can totally play mexican.

and don't change my sound editing,

Or i'll have you all killed.

'Sup, Yo

Calder should have at least one more tooth in the next week or so. He has all the classic signs: crabbiness, the poops and diaper rash. This is actually the first time in his life he has had diaper rash, a fact for which we are both grateful I am sure. Once he gets the these top middle teeth in, Calder is going to have rodent chompers. Hopefully, he will let us take a picture of his lil' teefs by then. Until then you will have to be satisfied with pictures of Calder in his street mode.

Calder Likes Some Things

Let's list them shall we? (Lists are for lazy people. I know.)

• Elby- Calder loves his puppy. It makes sense that Calder will get upset when when Bruce and I aren't paying enough attention to him but he does the same thing with Elby. Calder will screech and holler until Elby comes over to investigate the crazy baby noises and will not settle down until he gets a good thorough licking from the dog. Calder goes crazy for Elby kisses.
• Chewing on Stuff- Of course it's the teething causing it but it's funny to watch Calder try to chew on everything that comes within close proximity of his mouth. Toys, clothes, fingers, noses, the dog, cats, couch. He just does not discriminate. He has, like, a good half dozen teethers to gnaw on but he doesn't seem to care for those the same way he cares for chewing on people.
• Ms. Kathy- Calder has nooooo problems being dropped off at daycare because he adores Ms. Kathy. He gets a humongous smile when we hand him over. One of these days he is going to beg to stay with her. I just know it. But again, Ms. Kathy lets Calder chew on her face all he wants so that could be it.
• The television- I am fairly certain this makes me a bad mother but I let my baby watch tv. Why do I do this? Because he is fascinated by it and when he's screaming his face off because of his teeth, I am willing to use any method to distract him. Even if he isn't anywhere near the set, he will turn his head towards the sound to try and see what is going on with the magic box.
• Farts- Calder already possesses a very nuanced sense of humor. He, like many of the great comedians, thinks farts are absolutely hysterical. I am not saying that he's wrong or anything. Of course farts are funny. Why else would we have them? But considering he, as a less than fourth month old baby, is really too young to understand humor, it's just funny to see the lil' guy bust a gut laughing right after he busts a gut in his pants.
• Other random stuff- in no particular order: his blue rattle with a dog face, baby Tylenol. (Well actually its Walgreens Infant's Non-Aspirin Pain Reliever in Cherry Flavor but that's a damn pain to say so- baby Tylenol), mirrors, the song Tequila. Yes that one, the one with no words other than "Tequila!". He heard it once in Walgreens and will now get down and boogie if you sing it too him.

As you can see, my child is a rare and discriminating creature. I am fairly certain he will soon be developing an appreciation for a great many other things such as going for walks, spinning beads on a wire and fine whiskeys. Until then I will just have to list the things he doesn't like next time I need a bullshit filler post.

House of Pain

Jump up, jump up and get doooown. Ok so he doesn't really jump yet but still, Calder has a new toy and he seems to enjoy it. He is teething again though, so he will randomly scream bloody murder for no good reason every so often. Even straight out of a deep sleep. He also bit me last night while eating. He's a real joy to be around. A damn great baby if I do say so. Haaaaaaaa. At least he's cute. That's what keeps him alive.