Largeness

Although I am just shy of actually being in my third trimester, 26 weeks, I am fairly certain I have moved past being just pregnant to being really, really pregnant. I feel huge. And awkward. Yes, three months from now I am going to be much bigger. And much, much more awkward. I know this. This is why ordered the dress for my sister's wedding in a size that would make Lane Bryant blush. But still, as of now I officially feel huge. I have all the agility and stability of a partially sentient potato. My belly is just always IN. THE. WAY. Anything that gets dropped to the floor is considered indefinitely lost to me unless Calder is right there for a "Pick that up for momma, please." Personal hygiene has taken a pretty bad hit too. You want me to stand upright in the shower for how long? Every day? Bull crap. Forget shaving my legs or painting my toes. Hell, forget touching my toes.

Even if my legs and feet are an unsightly hairy mess, I soooo look forward to Spring and the wearing of the flip flops. Currently, the worst six minutes of my day are the three minutes it takes me to struggle into my winter boots in the morning to leave for work and the three it takes to put them back on to go home. For some reason taking them off is just that much easier. I could also say the 10 minute waddle (yes, I am so waddling already) to and from the train stop does not not suck either. Apparently, clear sidewalk ordinances, like snow emergency parking bans, are optional to the denizens of Chicago. At least the residents of Albany Park seem to feel that way.

Speaking of general winter crapitude, I REALLY hope that stupid rodent was correct and this hideous winter and its awful snow and alternating deep freezes will be over soon. I don't think I can get more than a few remaining weeks out of my calf-length down coat. That bitch is the warmest thing going and if I have to downgrade to my thin wool three quarter coat that has no hood and doesn't button fully all the way down I will cry a river of tears. That will instantly freeze to my face and then be ignored for weeks by the business owners in the vicinity of Kedzie Avenue. That means you too church, God doesn't like people who don't de-ice. It's in the Bible. Look what happened to Lot's wife. She pissed him off and was turned into a pillar of salt. For other, more pious people, to use on their sidewalks. THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.

I don't know why I am complaining about the ice, really. Walking is going to be awful whether the snow is there or not. The groin pain has graduated to full on constant hip/groin/back issues that are aggravated from sitting too much. And sleeping the wrong way. And standing to much. Basically, if I want to be pain free I have to readjust every 20 minutes. This is making getting a full night's sleep very difficult. In other bitchery, my ankles have started swelling and I now have heartburn ALL THE TIME. I hate TUMS and it's not like they do that much anyway. So pointless. I like to tell myself that ice cream makes it feel better but even the ice cream knows that's a lie. Don't judge me, rocky road!

And now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take the jeopardy online test. It's the first time I have been eligible in 18 months and I could really use an extra $15,000 right now. Hell, even the appearance fee would help.