Myth! Myth! Yes?

I saw this article on the Yahoo! scroll and I was intrigued. Baby myths, you say? I should go debunk myself and get my parenting skills up to snuff. So I read it...and was all huh, people actually believe this stuff?

Myth: Infants need to be bathed every day.

I gave Wren a bath on Sunday after she shat all over herself and also because I literally could not remember the last time she had one. Every day? I am luck to hit every week. When do people find the time to do this? The whole process of bathing the baby take at least 45 minutes. I could be using that time to make dinner or help Calder learn his letters or watch old episodes of Bones. Wren's not going anywhere important. As long as she doesn't actively smell, skipping baths is not the end of the world.

Myth: Babies sleep best in a room that's silent and dark.

People have homes that are silent? Do they live in the middle of Yosemite or something?

Myth: When infants are running a high temperature, rub them down with alcohol to lower their fever.

What? I have never even heard of this. Are we sure this is a thing? This isn't really a thing. This can't possibly be a thing. They are just messing with us.

Myth: Letting your little one stand or bounce in your lap can cause bowlegs later on.

There's a 99% change my kids are going to be bow legged or knock kneed no matter what we do. Calder walked at nine months. I'll take my chances, guys.

Myth: Listening to classical music will raise your baby's IQ.

OK, I'll admit. I maybe kind of bought into this. Actually, I had heard about the classical music thing in high school, so on the way to taking my SAT IIs, I decided to give it a try. Except I didn't have any classical music on cassette so I had to listen to the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack instead. Did it work? No idea. When I got there I realized I had signed up for the Math II test that DID NOT ALLOW CALCULATORS. How could I be expected to do cosines without my beloved T-85? Weirdly, I did score really high on the verbal tests despite my total lack of reading comprehension skills.

Myth: Let your baby cry it out; if you pick her up whenever she's wailing, you'll spoil her.

Now that's just mean. Letting your baby cry like that. Well, it's mean right up until the baby has spent the last 11 months crying every time you try to lay them flat. Sometimes babies just need to suck. it. up.

Myth: Babies should be woken up in the night to have a wet diaper changed.

People do this? Wake up a sleeping baby? There are two things in this world that should never, ever be woken up because it will only make your life miserable. Those things are babies and my friend KT. Do not mess with KT.

Myth: It's dangerous to immunize your infant if he has a cold or a low-grade fever.

Was I supposed to tell the doctor things like this? Calder had ear infection approximately 65% of his first year. If we had avoided shots due to the sniffles he'd have dengue fever by now.

Myth: Never apply sunscreen to an infant under 6 months of age.

At a baseball game I once saw a baby the color of a tomato. I feel that a screaming, itchy, peeling baby is way worse than possibly getting cancer. Only one of those things is something I have to deal with right now.

Myth: During the first month of a baby's life, it's critical that all baby bottles and nipples be sterilized.

By sterile they mean not covered in pet hair right? RIGHT? Let' say a pacifier falls under the couch. Do you A. Wash it, B. Get a new one or C. Put it in your mouth and then give it back to the baby? Don't lie to yourself.

Myth: The safest way to put an infant to sleep is on her stomach.

If you do not know about this by now you probably don't have the ability to be reading this list.

Myth: Putting rice cereal in your infant's bottle will help him sleep.

That just seems like a bad idea to me. So when I get vomited upon at 4 am it will be chunky? Not happening.

Myth: It's critical to keep your baby on a strict feeding schedule.

If you can maintain a schedule for anything, I admire you. This runs into a possibly having to wake the baby scenario. No freaking way. My boobs will still be here when you get up, kid, and I got shit to do.

Myth: Infants need hard-soled shoes to protect their delicate toes and keep their feet properly aligned.

I tried to put shoes on Wren once and it only made her confused and angry. She gets highly displeased if she can't see her toes. And, based on the horrendous condition of my mom's feet (sorry, mom) I have been led to believe that shoes will do nothing but mess them the eff up.

In short. I can't really belive that there are those out there that are confused about this stuff.Is this a lazy post? You bet, but I am on vacation. Deal with it. I'll be over here relaxing and rubbing alcohol on my baby to see what happens.

P.s. Is that baby in the article's head not huge?

Wordless Wednesday: Calder in Stuff (some of these are old)

We Did Survive

We did it! We did it! (insert Dora's annoying ass shaking dance here.) I will admit, being alone with my offspring was way less terrifying than I had imagined. Of course Bruce was only gone for slightly over 24 hours. Thanks, youth hockey team, for being kind of terrible and letting him come home early what with your not making it to the end of the tournament.

Actually, Saturday and Sunday didn't just go better than expected, they went well. Wren took a marathon late morning/early afternoon nap which allowed me to, get this, do things. Complicated things. In this one nap I was able to bake eggless peanut butter cookies with Calder, can pickled hot peppers from the garden, make lunch for the two of us and then do the dishes from all of these things. I was more productive than when I have Bruce around "helping". Sunday wasn't quite so productive but I did manage to get some floors swept and some laundry folded. When Bruce did get home I was even able to go down to my hole in the basement and sew some hair bows for a bit. I admit. I am proud of myself. I didn't freak out and lose my temper with Calder even once and I didn't maintain peace by letting him watch TV all day either. We painted. We built a train town all over the living room and then destroyed it. We gave Wren lessons in sitting upright. It was fun. And now I feel bad.

Wait, what? Yes. I had fun with my children this weekend and now I feel bad. I used to say that I never wanted to be a stay at home mom because I would be terrible at it. I would want too much me time and get angry too much. I'd let Calder watch TV all day and get frustrated spending time with people who can't wipe their own butts. I just knew I could never get my shit together and get stuff done and raise my children at the same time. As it turn out, that is false. I can do it. Now that I know I am capable of staying at home with my children (I might even be good at it), I can't keep fooling myself that being at work is what I truly want. But as long as we would like to continue enjoying such luxuries as groceries and health insurance I have to work and it makes me sad.

At least tomorrow I get on an airplane to spend seven straight days with Calder and Wren. I can't wait to pass them off on my mom.

I Don't See It

People tell me that Wren looks a lot like Calder. I don't see it. Calder looks a lot like me and I think Wren resembles Bruce more. Maybe if she was bald? Or chubbier? I mean, Calder used to have a WHOLE LOTTA face, that could be a major difference maker.

Yeah, no. There's no way, 20 years from now, I am going to be flipping through the box of unlabeled pictures key drive folders and wondering which child is in which photo. There is no way anyone could ever confuse the two, hair or jowls be damned. That's being said, they're both pretty freaking cute.

We Are in Trouble

Which sounds scarier: being alone at home with both kids for two days or being alone with both kids on an airplane? One of those has the possibility to end with me locked in the bathroom sobbing and... wait no, that works for both. Only the plane one has the possibility of Calder ending up in Guantanamo though. Now that would be one hell of a time out. Either way I am going to find out. Bruce just left for a hockey tournament in Michigan and he won't be back until late tomorrow then on Wednesday I am taking Calder and Wren to my parents' house. By myself.

My plan to survive this weekend involves liberal use of baby jail and Disney movies on VHS and my plane to survive on the plane is... um, Wren is really, really cute and JetBlue has TVs in their seats? No really, I honestly have Calder excited about that part. I have also told him that is he misbehaves they will make him leave the plane. I meant before take off but apparently he thought they'd throw him out in mid air and started to cry. Mother of the Freaking Year here. Calder is usually a pretty good flyer but I've also never been outnumbered on  the plane before.

So, if you don't hear from me for a few day, wait, that would be normal, if you don't hear from me for over a week, you can assume we have been labeled a threat to America and sent on the worst tropical vacation ever.

Wordless Wednesday: Smile!

Brand Man

On Monday I got this email from Bruce:

"calder was helping put in a new garbage bag in kitchen garbage, but he didnt know how to do it, and then started talking about a Force Flex (used those words exactly) commercial he saw on tv."

Yeah... He probably watches too much TV. I know. We've recently renewed our commitment to keeping him on an all PBS diet because this isn't the first time Calder has asked for a consumer product by name. During my shows, Calder even asks for me to not fast forward through the commercials so he can watch them. (I know, never known life without a DVR.) However, it's not the usual flashy colors and animated mascots that are making Calder covet products like a Peoria housewife. Calder hasn't bothered to learn the names of sugary cereals and refers to them by the character on the box and he has never really asked for specific toys after seeing it on TV. However, several times in the past few weeks he's demanded Bush's Baked Beans (and no substitutes) for dinner. And he's gotten them. The kid's a sucker for a talking dog and I am a sucker for eating my dinner without having to fight with him.

I find this all very amusing as we are not particularly brand-loyal people around here. I always buy the same type of paper towels because I like them but everything else is pretty much up for grabs. Whatever combination of on sale/coupon works best, that what's we get. Generics are even better. I hate spending more money that absolutely necessary. My bathroom is filled with plain bottles and tubes printed with block letters. I buy that weird make-up at the fringes of the aisle. I couldn't even tell you what brand of garbage bags we have in the house at this very moment. I know they are white and come in an orange box... Maybe yellow? While getting the kind of food that Calder wants to eat is important to me, his feelings towards trash receptacles are not. So garbage bag marketers, if your goal is to convince a three-year-old child to purchase your product, congrats. Now all you have to do is wait 13 more years for him to get a job and a driver's license and you can reap your rewards.

Adventures In Babysitting

Tonight Bruce and I will attending the wedding of a good friend. This will be the first time both children have been left in the hands of a non-relative for any extended period of time.

To say I am nervous is an understatement. No, I am not worried about the babysitter. She's a very nice and trustworthy young lady who would laugh hysterically if she knew I described her as such. I am worried for her. I mean, the kids are used to being guarded in a man-to-man defense. What will their reactions be when all of a sudden it switches to a zone? In the past we've even had two girls come over which resulted in a very effective full-court trap. What if Calder fakes left and then drives (her crazy) to the lane while Wren posts up a poop? Her pick and drool is also pretty nasty. Calder's outside won't come inside game is no fun to defend either. Being alone with two children is really hard, yo. I have been attempting it for over four months now and I still kind of suck at it. I hope the sitter is bringing her A game.

Growing and Growing

My wee bebeh girl, who was just born yesterday don'tmakemelookatthecalender, has two teeth. Not one. Two. It's a good thing the doctor said we could start her on solids. But I am getting ahead of myself.

On Tuesday Bruce brought the kids back to the doctors office for the third in in as many weeks for Wren's four month check up.  Which was nice and all but her appoint was actually on Wednesday. Fortunately they are very understanding and agreed to see the Bird anyways. Probably because we bring them so much business. I guess everything is OK. Bruce's reporting is always kind of shoddy. They do give out this nice sheet with numbers and stuff so that's all I've got. Percentiles are doctor provided, they have not been checked against the vast resources of the internet.

Length: 26.5 in., 95%

Weight: 15 lbs., 3 oz., 90%

Head: 16.5 in., 75%

That's a 3+ pound gain from two months ago. I spent about 20 minutes talking about what a chunker she was and OMG how much weight does this baby gain and what are we going to do in two weeks when none of her clothes fit anymore until and I went back and checked Calder's numbers from the same age. He was 16 lbs. even at 4 months. And he started out smaller. He was shorter at the time though which means my little girl may end up being tall like her Momma. It's a good thing that Bruce is a pretty good athlete* so maybe all those extra inches won't be wasted on her like they were on me.  Me playing basketball  = "Running and doing things with my arms at the same time? So not happening." I was pretty good at softball though, which I chalk up to the fact that that game mostly involves just standing around. I am very good at standing around.

Other than that? She got shots; they made her dopey and sluggish; I got to sleep for a whole night. I'm gonna call that a push.

So yeah, the food.We hauled the spaceship out of the basement for Wren's first ride into the stratosphere of culinary delights. Rice cereal, still repulsive even though it's being  mixed with breastmilk this time. She seemed to take to it though it's certainly difficult to tell how much even made it in. I know how much I mixed, I know how much was left over and I know how much I had to scrape out of her neck folds later but it's still not really an exact calculation. Calder even took a few turns with the spoon, being as careful as a three-year-old can be. In the end, most of the cereal was confined to either her stomach, her face or the high chair tray so letting him help was not a total disaster. Seeing how much he enjoys being a big brother gives me a big ol' heart tug every time. It definitely made the bedtime that happened tantrum two hours later that much easier to deal with.

*Hockey isn't his only sport, you know. He played basketball and, get this, he was provincially ranked, yes RANKED at badminton. AHAHAHAHAH. Neeeeeeeerd.

Wordless Wednesday: Calder Vision Art House Edition

Four Months

I cannot believe it. My tiny little baby is four months old today. I swear I just squeezed her out yesterday. I mean, my stomach must still look like a shrapnel hit for a reason. Because I am supremely lazy this morning, I am going to skip right to the milestones.

Mastered Skills (most kids can do):

Smiles, laughs - Oh for sure. Wren is a happy little bird. The laughs are still more Jabba the Hut "hur, hur hurring" than high pitched giggles but whatever. Chortles. That's what I'd call them.
Can bear weight on legs - Sing it with me! Standing baby, standing baby. Has the leg muscles of an age-appropriate baaaaay beeee!
Coos when you talk to him - Just like her older brother and cat, Wren does not shut up. I can see that as my children get older I am going to need to invest in a sturdy pair of ear plugs. And wine. Lots of wine.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do):

Can grasp a toy - Toys, glasses, earrings, hair. Nothing is safe from Wren's kung fu grip. I am going to have to take out my gauges soon and switch to studs because to Wren they are nothing more than baby handles. But probably not, Mom, don't get too hopeful. I mean, I really like these earrings.
Rolls over, from tummy to back - She can. She just chooses not to. Wren is a veritable pro at rolling the other way yet she frequently forgets about going back and just ends up pissed off, with one of her legs jammed through the crib slats at 4:30 in the morning screaming her face off because she has a pacifier stuck in her neck and drool all over her sheets. Why are bumpers baby death traps again?

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do):

Imitates sounds: "baba," "dada" - Wren does a lot of "um mumm mummmm"ing which I chose to believe is Mama but it gets better than that even. Bear with me on this. I swear. to. god. The other night Wren was repeating I Love You back to me. Sure it sounded more like this rather than actual words but I know what I heard so don't try to tell me otherwise. I NEED THIS.

Cuts first tooth - I know I have said this before but I am feeling the two lower middles might be on their way. The area is rounded and a small dab of Orajel certainly seems to shut her up. Thank god Wren's got better motor skills than Calder. She'll be able to hold her chew toys up by herself rather than gnaw my fingers to stubs.
May be ready for solid foods - Wren seems sort of interested in what's on our plate and like a good Turpin child she's definitely interested in getting her hands on beer bottles (I blame that on us buying fancy mircobrews with colorful labels more than anything.) but she's not overly invested on getting at what's on out plate. I think she's more concerned at the moment that we don't stop showing her with attention and allow ourselves a minute's peace to eat with out a baby finger jammed in our noses.

Outside of the Babycenter approved milestones, Wren is physically developing in leaps and bounds. She's a solid little chunker. Heavy but not squishy*. She fits comfortably into her 3-6 month clothing so I'd say she is pretty average, if not a bit long. We'll find out the actual numbers next week when Bruce takes her in. They are really getting to be frequent flyers at the pediatrician's office. Being this well muscled, Wren has started using her floor time to practice moving. While on her belly she can pivot around to get at the things she wants. This usually means her Lamaze princess doll. She just loves that thing. Sigh. Wren has also started trying to draw her legs up and push off to crawl. The only problem is the girl hasn't realized that the front half also needs to be involved in this endeavor and she usually just ends up driving her face into the ground. Silly bird. 

*As an aside, I bet you a million dollars I would be a famous blogger by now if my kids had been fatter. It's true. Chubby baby rolls = page views. It's science. Red heads would work just as well. Chubby gingers have been proven to make the internet explode.

Strepping Out

VINDICATED

Since the rash hadn't gotten any better by Tuesday, Bruce took the boy back to the doctor as directed. They did another throat culture on him and, based on some extra bad rashiness on his cheeks (lower ones), swabbed there as well. (The Boy got a new Hotwheels for his efforts.) The instant response tests were both negative but they sent Bruce home with a prescription for antibiotics anyways just because. Clearly, our doctor does not fear the medicine-resistant super bugs we hear so much about.

Well then. Today I got a voice mail from the office nurse saying the culture had turned positive. FINALLY. Whether it was the top or bottom, I have no idea. Maybe both? Ass-Strep doesn't really have that same ring to it as Scarlet Fever or Strep Throat. I am going to just say it's the former because it sounds way more dramatic. IT MADE MARY BLIND!* Since Calder's already on the meds there isn't anything for me to do except make him take more baking soda baths and sit around being totally right about everything.


*If you get this, I will love you forever.

Wordless Wednesday: Baby Slurm

Do You Know What This Is?

This is a picture of thousands of dollars worth of future orthodontic work.

This is Wren sucking her fingers exactly like I used to which kind of amazing based entirely on how awkward and weird it is.If you can't see or didn't know me as a child what she is doing is sucking on her index and middle fingers, palm facing up. This will eventually push developing teeth outward and widen the upper palate. End result? Giant mouth and giant overbite. This is only one of her many self-soothing finger sucking combos so there's a chance we'll get out of this with only minimum damage.

The Rash That Ate Calder

So yeah, Calder still has that rash. It started as rough patches on his back waaaaaay long ago when he had that high fever. Now it is covering every single inch of his skin, Or at least I assume so. There are some inches that I do not have to acquaint myself with on a regular basis any longer.

Those aren't earmuff. Those are Clifford ears.

Because I am exactly that kind of asshole. I texted my sister to ask if her pediatrician husband would look at some pictures and give his opinion. Oh, and they were on vacation. Told you, asshole.

Where it all began.

Dr. Brother-in-Law said  that based on the pictures and other reported facts (fever) he had no idea. If he wasn't wheezing it wasn't anaphylaxis so don't worry about that and Calder hasn't had any eggs anyways. I've gotten waaaay better about that whole accidental poisoning thing lately. Dr. BiL also ruled out bacterial infection due to the lack of other symptoms so it's probably viral. The term Super AIDS was also bandied about but that's what I get for bothering him on vacation, now isn't it?

That is one adorable belly button.

Because I am nothing if not stubborn, I made Bruce take Calder to the in-person doctor today. They had no idea either. Apparently it looks like Strep but the test was negative. It's probably just viral. Is that the first thing a pediatrician learns in med school? We were told to just wait and see. If the rash hasn't cleared up by Tuesday, we should bring Calder back in. No idea what they'll do about then that they couldn't do now. Hopefully whatever it is isn't contagious because Calder is currently party crashing next door. Maybe their doctors will know what it is.

Shorts

One thing I forgot to include in the hockey post. Upon being told that he could not wear his equipment in the car on the way to the rink Calder told me, "I don't wanna be naked in the changing room with all the stinky boys."While I agree with him about the aversion to hockey stink (seriously, worst smell on the planet), this isn't the first time Calder has expressed weirdness his body. At the Bears tailgate, we had Calder change out of his wet clothes before we went into the game. At first Calder didn't want to take off his shirt in the parking lot because, as he told us, all the people would say "Ewww." I have no idea where he gets it from. I rag on my body all the time but I try to never do it in front of him and at home we are totally Naked People. We don't exactly sit around in the altogether just watchin' some TV but considering I am going to be busted in on while showering no matter what, I don't exactly lock the door to change my clothes.

Wren has started laughing. Like, for reals YouTube-style baby giggles. It's pretty inconsistent though since none of us can really figure our her sense of humor. It all started when she was randomly touching parts of my face and amusing herself. My eyebrows? Hilarious. Cheek? Totally Funny. Jamming a finger in my nose? Nothing but a sincerely shocked expression. Calder gets mad because she won't laugh at the things he finds to be entertaining like silly faces and really annoying, shrieky voices. I tend to agree with her there. 

In addition to drawing people for the first time, Calder finally took a stab at making some letters. They were... close. I spelled out his name and he "wrote" them. Granted the were scattered all over the page in random locations and some only bore a vague resemblance to the actual character, I'll give him props for trying. Generally Calder doesn't like attempting things he doesn't have confidence in his ability to do. Like, skating. He'd rather sit on a chair until he is absolutely sure that he can stay upright and only then will he try a few shuffling steps. But these letters were alright. The C was good, the A was more of an H but I could see he had the right idea. Ls are easy enough and the E was only three horizontal lines with no backbone but I suppose that solved the whole, no idea which was the letter points problem. The R was surprisingly accurate. I was super proud and praised the hell out of him but unfortunately, I have not been able to get a repeat performance. I guess we will just have to send more cars and letters to Grandma.

Everyone in our house has a cold right now. This is making Wren cranky, me tired, Bruce miserable and Calder a bloody-nosed contrarian. How does one get a boy to stop picking his nose? Especially one that is stubbornly determined to do the exact opposite of whatever you say? At least I haven't seen him eat any boogers lately. Calder also has a full body rash that doesn't seem to be related to the cold. It's not red or itchy or anything, Just there. All over. It's like the entire surface of his skin has changed texture. We've tried Benedryl-ing him, not that he's eaten any egg products lately, but that doesn't seem to help. As long as it's not bothering him I may just well let it slide. Yesterday Bruce told him he was changing into a Skitter. That did not go over well.

Summer is almost officially over. I though I would have done more, you know, having practically the whole season off from work. I seriously believed we'd be traipsing around the Chicagoland area, doing lovely family togetherness crap and spending long summer evenings out in the backyard, enjoying the fireflies and gentles breezes. Unfortunately I didn't count on being broke, the proliferation of suburban mosquitoes and the lure of central A/C. As such, the only organized fun we managed to eke out this summer were two baseball games, one football game and one trip the science museum. The rest of the time was spent huddling indoors, changing countless diapers and watching untold hours of SpongeBob and Bones, depending on who was controlling the remote at that exact point in time. Hopefully Fall will be a little less lame and hermit-y. I have tentative plans to take both kids to visit the family in Mass. for the Big E later this month and Bruce's parents have expressed an interest in visiting.

The other night Calder had a nightmare. He gets them occasionally. Not night terrors, thankfully, but he seems to have inherited my tendency to have really vivid and frightening dreams about mundane shit. I spent many an evening, sleeping on the floor next to my parents' bed holding my mom's hand because of a reoccurring ferris wheel dream. She must have woken up with dead arm a lot from sleeping like that. To this day I sometimes scare the beejeebers out of Bruce by yelping out "Spiders!" and clutching his face in my sleep. Thank god he loves me. Calder's nightmares are of course things that are scary to little kids. Big bad bugs. Monsters. The shower. The most recent scary dream was something much more benign however. The train left without him. That's all he kept saying, over and over, and while I felt bad for the kid, he was obviously pretty upset by it, I just wanted to be like, "Yes, that sucks and all but there'll be another one in, like, 15, 20 minutes." You call that a nightmare, Calder. I call it my life. Now let me go back to sleep.