Less of Me

Lately there seems like there is a lot less of me to go around. There's less of me in public; my social life has gone from infrequent to almost never. There's less of me at work; I'm there just as much as usual but there's been so much upheaval within my group that I am too busy making up for lost minions to get my own stuff done. I swear to god, if one more person tries to quit on me, I am going to chain that individual to their desk. There's certainly less of me here; I more often than not feel like I have nothing of interest to say and I've been negligent in my picture taking so what's the point? And straight up, there's just less of me now. Since I began my not-diet diet, I've lost about ten pounds and I am feeling pretty great about myself even if my life kind of honks right now.

I say about because I have no idea for sure. I only estimated how much I weighed before I started the running and stuff so it could be ten pounds. Or maybe twelve. Or just six. I hadn't stepped on the scale in a while at that point because I was pretty afraid it would tell me that I had managed to gain a hefty amount back after losing most of my Wren weight. Whatever it is, it's not significant enough for people to really notice. I certainly don't have any grandmotherly types stopping me in the street to insist I eat something and would it kill me to put on a little lipstick maybe? In fact, no one has commented on it at all which is fine but like most normal people, I crave validation from others. HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM SUCCEEDING IF NO ONE TELLS ME?! Even Bruce requires prodding. And by prodding I mean me jumping out of the shower yelling, "I HAVE A WAIST AGAIN!"

Weirdly, I haven't really done much to earn this. I haven't been following any specific diet or anything. I just cannot live without meat, cheese, fruit, bread, beer or, uh, everything so instead of a plan, I am just using a food logging program to track my daily caloric intake. While on the one hand, I am not being required to deny myself anything but on the other, I've become the type of person who weighs her food. So there's that. I could probably do this faster if I lowered my daily allowance but as it is, I never feel like I am restricting myself and I enjoy being able to eat the cornbread muffins they sell at work. I don't know what it is about them, but they make my life complete. OK, I do know. It's the cheese. And the fact that they never quite bake them completely through so it's a cheesy corn pudding in the center.

Exercising more would also help. Sure, I could say that muscle weighs more than fat and this isn't about weight, it's about health but that's kind of a big fat lie. I certainly haven't exercised enough to have built up any kind of significant muscle and if it's not about numbers on the scale, why am I standing on it every day. It's like I can't help myself. But seriously, almost no exercising. I still walk the almost two miles to the train every morning and night and I will probably continue weather permitting but the running has been put on indefinite hold. Unfortunately from 5-6 am, my appointed running hour, is now pitch dark. I did out out a few times wearing Calder's L.L. Bean head lamp but not only did I still trip in the dark, I also felt like a giant knob. Plus, even with my sweet gear, the path is unlit and somewhat creepy. Any time I ran past the rare other jogger, I would smile broadly and try to make the best mental impression I possibly could. I was attempting to project the message, "Hey, when they dredge my mangled body out of the river, could you please remember where the last time you saw me was?" Also one time I saw a coyote and maybe panicked a little. What if there were others? So I did the first thing I could think of to scare it and any friends away. I clapped. When confronted with a wild animal who might feel compelled to eat me, I applauded it. Scare wild animals? No. Confirm my belief in fairies? Yes. Awesome.

So whatever. No running for now. I still have my DVDs and my exhausting children to make me sweat and cry. And whatever, it's not like I was going to be any kind of serious runner. I've got just enough speed and stamina to jog comfortably ahead of a shuffling zombie hoard and I am fine with that.

So, yay for me. I've lost some poundage but not much, I'm not even wearing different clothes. I did buy a couple of pairs of new skinny jeans at Target the other day because my old skinnies made me look like the Saggy Baggy Elephant. Now I just need to figure out the rest of my life.